What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 03:03
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Im still living with it.
What is one fantasy you have never told anyone about but really want to do?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
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Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Comes on , in middle age.
I think the readers, may guess!
I could never make a relationship work though!
Ive learnt so much.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
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This is how, and why children get BPD.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I was scared of men, in general
We were not on the streets..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
And i lived it daily.
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So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
My life is so biszare .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
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He was dying to do it , i knew.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
All the time i was locked up.
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But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I will be 64.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
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Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
(And it was in our own minds.)
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She loved him until the end.
I was seconnd youngest,
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
On the 31st of Jan this month .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But it wasn’t much.
I don,t even have a pension.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
This is soul school!.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But ive been too sick for many years..
I couldn’t, believe it.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
As i do to all so called friends.?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I was 9 years of age.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
One cannot live in the past .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He resisted the act ,that day.
He knew the spot.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I have no regrets .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I write beautiful poetry .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
My family never makes their pension either.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Put me off passion for life!!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I never cut or harmed myself..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Was to survive, this bastard.
She wouldn,t have been !
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Who then, do I blame.?
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
What did i know ?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Especially a lifetime of it.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
When she asked me how she looked .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She was in good health!
We all went to grammer schools
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I was very sick at this time too.
So whats the point in blame.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Would this be the day?
It was going to be , some day.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But, we were locked up after school.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She married twice! .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I waited trembling.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Why did i forgive my father ?
She found it foreign!.
I said to her
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
So, i spoilt her more .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.