What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 06:41
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He knew the spot.
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I could never make a relationship work though!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
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We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I couldn’t, believe it.
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My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
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I write beautiful poetry .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
My family never makes their pension either.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
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My life is so biszare .
I was 9 years of age.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
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My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He resisted the act ,that day.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
So whats the point in blame.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I don,t even have a pension.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I said to her
All the time i was locked up.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I think the readers, may guess!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I have no regrets .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Especially a lifetime of it.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
It was going to be , some day.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I was scared of men, in general
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She married twice! .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But, we were locked up after school.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
What did i know ?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I will be 64.
We were not on the streets..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She was in good health!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
And i lived it daily.
She found it foreign!.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
As i do to all so called friends.?
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But ive been too sick for many years..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
(And it was in our own minds.)
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
We all went to grammer schools
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
When she asked me how she looked .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Put me off passion for life!!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She wouldn,t have been !
This is soul school!.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Why did i forgive my father ?
She loved him until the end.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Ive learnt so much.
I was seconnd youngest,
Was to survive, this bastard.
Would this be the day?
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He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But it wasn’t much.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Who then, do I blame.?
One cannot live in the past .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I was very sick at this time too.
Im still living with it.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
So, i spoilt her more .
I waited trembling.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Comes on , in middle age.